Monday, June 12, 2017
How much can you miss someone.. Is there a scale, a barometer to measure it.. What would suffice as enough.. do you stretch your hands to touch a face that's not there, but you still stretch it, do you close your eyes and imagine, do you wake up from a dream at night and look beside you.. what's the scale.. How do you measure it.. does the scale break when you miss someone beyond all measures.. I do not know what a broken scale looks like. But I know how it feels like. It feels extremely helpless. So helpless that you can't keep count of your pacing heartbeat. So helpless that you sweat from your head to toe, in an all freezing winter. You breathe so fast to gasp any air you can. But nothing in the world takes away the hollowness of that helpless heart. No amount of beautiful sunsets suffice. No amount of beach sand can fill that aching void. Your sunshine is always missing. All you can think about is being wrapped around those arms that felt more like home than any house ever did. If I ever make a house I will make it all white, painted with our white dreams that have turned black. My dreams are still white, surrounded by white snow and us warm in there somewhere. But everyday when I open my eyes, it's a nightmare I wake up to, so far away from you, so far away from my dream. I keep waiting for the day this nightmare will end, and it always ends with us in a white house, with painted white walls, white curtains, and a balcony with white clear sky. In a room filled with sunshine. Where I am curling up to you, and telling each other things we only want to tell each other, where my head is buried in your chest, but our hearts are at the ceiling. I feel so lonely in this crooked world, but I try my best to not let crookedness of others get through my heart. There is so much I don't understand and more so I cannot fathom. I am feeling so tired.. all of my remaining strength lies between your two arms holding me tight.. but I am so far from it. I try so hard to reach it.. missing it needing it every second now.. but it's not there.. and I am sweating with my broken barometer in this cold winter night..