Thursday, July 13, 2017

Friday, June 23, 2017
Please help me God...this pain is spreading like a cancer..from heart to physical body..my eyes are so tired but I cant sleep...if I sleep it's the same dream I see that I don't want to see..my hands are shaking..my heart is hurting..it feels sore and out of breath in my body and in my soul..help me God..i tried reaching out God..i wish I could puke out the memories too with the food...but they stay.. and they cripple me God..all my pain that i wasnt allowed to let out has started to cripple me..the years and years and years of lonely unspoken sacrifices have crippled me..robbing me off from the purity of my love has crippled me..abuses hurled that plays on repeat as nightmares every night have crippled me..the pain is pinching god..it's everyday..everyday..on repeat..now it's hurting somewhere here too..i don't know what to do where to go..please help me god..no one else is

A minute at a time..a minute at a time

Saturday, June 17, 2017
You can do this Brishti..you can do this...

Missing..

Monday, June 12, 2017
How much can you miss someone.. Is there a scale, a barometer to measure it.. What would suffice as enough.. do you stretch your hands to touch a face that's not there, but you still stretch it, do you close your eyes and imagine, do you wake up from a dream at night and look beside you.. what's the scale.. How do you measure it.. does the scale break when you miss someone beyond all measures.. I do not know what a broken scale looks like. But I know how it feels like. It feels extremely helpless. So helpless that you can't keep count of your pacing heartbeat. So helpless that you sweat from your head to toe, in an all freezing winter. You breathe so fast to gasp any air you can. But nothing in the world takes away the hollowness of that helpless heart. No amount of beautiful sunsets suffice. No amount of beach sand can fill that aching void. Your sunshine is always missing. All you can think about is being wrapped around those arms that felt more like home than any house ever did. If I ever make a house I will make it all white, painted with our white dreams that have turned black. My dreams are still white, surrounded by white snow and us warm in there somewhere. But everyday when I open my eyes, it's a nightmare I wake up to, so far away from you, so far away from my dream. I keep waiting for the day this nightmare will end, and it always ends with us in a white house, with painted white walls, white curtains, and a balcony with white clear sky. In a room filled with sunshine. Where I am curling up to you, and telling each other things we only want to tell each other, where my head is buried in your chest, but our hearts are at the ceiling. I feel so lonely in this crooked world, but I try my best to not let crookedness of others get through my heart. There is so much I don't understand and more so I cannot fathom. I am feeling so tired.. all of my remaining strength lies between your two arms holding me tight.. but I am so far from it. I try so hard to reach it.. missing it needing it every second now.. but it's not there.. and I am sweating with my broken barometer in this cold winter night..

Accept... to stop the tears from showing

Saturday, May 27, 2017
This is what it is... accept your limitations.. your foolishness.. your tears.. your sorrow. Accept your life. The way it really is, hidden. With the sleepless nights.. going over and over and over on all the whys and hows. Accept that evening you tripped on the middle of an empty road because you couldn't stop crying. But just before you entered your home you remembered to put the smile and glasses on. Accept the night when someone shouted at the top of their voice because it made them feel good, but you kept quiet and took it all, because the only thing that could make you feel good wasn't by your side. Accept the memories of your father will always stay a memory, his voice on hard disks, hugs never relived. Accept your alarm clock to 12 hours of work after a night of self harming thoughts. Accept your mother's loneliness, and the strength she deserves from you and gives you. Accept the life you knew was all gone. Accept the chaos of the world where bullies are president and people use each other by deceit and manipulation, just like your life. Children are killed as collateral damage just like the child in your heart dies the slow death. People try winning the politics at the expense of truth, just as in life through appearing to be something they are not. Accept, accept, accept. Because that's all you can do. You have nowhere to go, no safe place, you will live amongst these people running this world and claiming its ownership. Accept, because you were never the kind to claim anything, but the kind who always felt the world owes you nothing. Accept because you are not a queen, you have no crown, you are an ordinary girl, with a heart and a mind, that's all.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

For you to break that glass

Sunday, January 29, 2017
I will be waiting here
For the grey sky to cry
For your suspicions to die
For you to really try

I will be waiting here
For the white snow to melt
For the roses to be smelt
For you to feel what I felt

I will be waiting here
For the moments to pass
For the memories to last
For you to break that glass

I will be waiting here
For the ships to sail on the sea
For the clock to strike three
For you to believe in me

I will be waiting here
For your silence to break
For your soul to shake
For your love to wake

----Rumi...

I loved how you used to walk holding your bag papa.

Thursday, December 8, 2016
I love you papa. This world is not for us. I understand you now. I wish I could say you are in a better place now. But that's not true either. Better would have been you travelling the world with mama, better would have been you cooking dinner for your daughter you love so much and sharing the meal. Better would have been you getting to play with Dani, see him grow up. But we both know this was not our world, this was not our only reality. This world was not your world. You wouldn't have been able to handle it papa. And I was too powerless to shield you. I still am. I couldn't even shield myself papa. I love you. And nothing in this world can take away what mama and you showed me together. It's true. I'm not safe papa, but I keep those safe thoughts deep inside my heart. Thank you. I didn't understand you then, but I understand you now. I am a lot like you papa. I finally understand. 

Lovesong

Saturday, February 20, 2016
However far away
However long I stay

I will always love you.

so I noticed

Tuesday, September 8, 2015
my tears dont count.