Accept... to stop the tears from showing

Saturday, May 27, 2017
This is what it is... accept your limitations.. your foolishness.. your tears.. your sorrow. Accept your life. The way it really is, hidden. With the sleepless nights.. going over and over and over on all the whys and hows. Accept that evening you tripped on the middle of an empty road because you couldn't stop crying. But just before you entered your home you remembered to put the smile and glasses on. Accept the night when someone shouted at the top of their voice because it made them feel good, but you kept quiet and took it all, because the only thing that could make you feel good wasn't by your side. Accept the memories of your father will always stay a memory, his voice on hard disks, hugs never relived. Accept your alarm clock to 12 hours of work after a night of self harming thoughts. Accept your mother's loneliness, and the strength she deserves from you and gives you. Accept the life you knew was all gone. Accept the chaos of the world where bullies are president and people use each other by deceit and manipulation, just like your life. Children are killed as collateral damage just like the child in your heart dies the slow death. People try winning the politics at the expense of truth, just as in life through appearing to be something they are not. Accept, accept, accept. Because that's all you can do. You have nowhere to go, no safe place, you will live amongst these people running this world and claiming its ownership. Accept, because you were never the kind to claim anything, but the kind who always felt the world owes you nothing. Accept because you are not a queen, you are an ordinary girl, with a heart and a mind, that's all.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

For you to break that glass

Sunday, January 29, 2017
I will be waiting here
For the grey sky to cry
For your suspicions to die
For you to really try

I will be waiting here
For the white snow to melt
For the roses to be smelt
For you to feel what I felt

I will be waiting here
For the moments to pass
For the memories to last
For you to break that glass

I will be waiting here
For the ships to sail on the sea
For the clock to strike three
For you to believe in me

I will be waiting here
For your silence to break
For your soul to shake
For your love to wake

----Rumi...

I loved how you used to walk holding your bag papa.

Thursday, December 8, 2016
I love you papa. This world is not for us. I understand you now. I wish I could say you are in a better place now. But that's not true either. Better would have been you travelling the world with mama, better would have been you cooking dinner for your daughter you love so much and sharing the meal. Better would have been you getting to play with Dani, see him grow up. But we both know this was not our world, this was not our only reality. This world was not your world. You wouldn't have been able to handle it papa. And I was too powerless to shield you. I still am. I couldn't even shield myself papa. I love you. And nothing in this world can take away what mama and you showed me together. It's true. I'm not safe papa, but I keep those safe thoughts deep inside my heart. Thank you. I didn't understand you then, but I understand you now. I am a lot like you papa. I finally understand. 

Lovesong

Saturday, February 20, 2016
However far away
However long I stay

I will always love you.

so I noticed

Tuesday, September 8, 2015
my tears dont count. 

The morning after I killed myself

Monday, August 24, 2015
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.


Meggie Royer
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Dear God, I have chosen my pride and silence for the world and my tears for you. I have nowhere else to go. I beg you to end my struggle or end me. This hurt is now unbearable.

This and more, forever...

Friday, May 29, 2015


All yours,
Babyblue. 
Monday, May 11, 2015
Dear God, please come hold my heart. I cant take the pain anymore.