This and more, forever...

All yours,

Babyblue. 

Dear God, please come hold my heart. I cant take the pain anymore. 

My dear Sunshine

My dear Sunshine,

I am here, writing something after ages. If it wasn't for you, I would not have come back here for some more time. This page reminds me of some things I used to be, some things I used to have, a life I was comfortable in, a life that was very difficult to let go of. They say you can't survive in the wild if you get used to living in a cage. The life I had left surely had its perks, but to me it was a cage I had to break out of. That life had a different me at a different time, that me felt hollow but stronger, this me feels fulfilling but broken, that me had hope, this me is hopeless. Hopelessly in love.

Oh my Sunshine, where do I start and where do I stop? I wish I could open my heart for you and show you what I have been through, the gradual process of becoming the person I am today, why I am the way I am, with my stubborn ideals at the expense of a good life. I wish I could tell you things I think of whispering only to your ears. May be then I will stop feeling this immense sense of loneliness that I feel. I still don't know if you'd have ever believed or understood me, there are just some things you gotta see to believe, unfortunately or fortunately, me and my life are such two things, now I know.

Sunshine, I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I always think of you. I think of you so much that sometimes I keep praying to get impatient, and then I look back and deduce, I have been through enough already, if this had failed to make me impatient, probably nothing will. This scares me Sunshine. I don't want to love you the way a drowning man loves air, because it would destroy me to have you just a little. But in my reality I have you just a little.

Lately I have fallen under the trap of jealousy and comparison. All my life I have happily lacked these two traits, but now with time and built up anger they have emerged in me. So these days I look around, I look around and see, to most, love is a game of give and take, and best suited are the ones who understand this. You give me something to make my life easy, I give you something back to make your life easy, voila, that's the recipe of love. A recipe that smells more of tactics than feelings. And I have seen people being genuinely happy playing tactics all their lives, which has led me to believe may be it's not that bad. May be there are two ways to do things, and both are right. But Sunshine believe me I tried loving you this way, I cant, I am blind to what you are giving me, all I care about is what I am giving you, and that my Sunshine is a recipe for my doom, not love.

I don't care Sunshine, may be there are two ways of loving, may be there are a hundred, but there is only one way I can love you. I love you, with no beginning and no end. I love you not for you but for myself. I love you because I want to be your strength, so what if you remain only as my weakness. Real love is always chaotic. You lose control, you lose perspective. You lose the ability to protect yourself. The greater the love, the greater the chaos. It’s a given and that’s the secret. That's the secret to my recipe of love. There is nothing more terrifying or fulfilling, than complete love, it's worth the risk and I want to reach for it. But I want to reach for it with you Sunshine, only you.

Doom!

all yours,

Babyblue. 

The Lake House

Nobody knows, and it will be kept that way, but I am a part of something truly extraordinary :)  

I want to know you.

I want to know you. You seem like someone worth knowing. Every day I feel like I’m surrounded by people with hard edges and sour faces but I get the sense that you’re different. Too often people seem to think that they have the answers to everything. Their faces are trapped in permascowls and they can’t be bothered with anything besides their own narcissism. You aren't like that. You still ask questions. You’re still looking for the answers.

People with kind hearts make me feel dirty. Like I need to give my personality a bath or something. Rub it clean of my neuroses and judgments. But that’s a good thing. When someone inspires you to take a long hard look at yourself and question all of your bad habits, they’re someone worth keeping around. It’s all about finding that person who’s able to hold up a mirror to your life and cause you to reevaluate the noise. It’s all about wanting to be a better person.

I know you’ll surprise me. I know you’ll take a right turn when I’m convinced you’ll take a left. All of this may seem arbitrary (why does it even matter if you take a right instead of a left?) but it provides me with a giant sense of relief. Do you know what it feels like to go through life rarely being surprised? The person who you think is going to hurt you ends up leaving you alone at three in the morning. The person who will never understand your jokes or passions turns out to be a stranger forever. You sleep with them, go out to dinners, and even run away to a bed and breakfast on a long weekend, all in hopes that they’ll start to make sense to you one day. But they never do. They just get more and more foreign each day. Experiences don’t always breed intimacy. Sometimes they just make the distance more apparent.

I want to know how your weekend was (I never want to know these types of things but you’re the exception to all my rules) and I want to know how you got that scar on your knee (biking accident when you were twelve? Tell me more! This story is more riveting than The Hunger Games!) and I want to know about your mom and dad. I want to protect you. I want to preserve your innocence and drink it up for myself. You learn from me and I’ll learn from you. Deal?

You’ll open me up like an orange, leaving a mess of pulp and sticky peels everywhere. Certain parts of my personality will be extracted and I’ll find myself feeling stuff I never knew was possible. It’s strange to think how many things we’re capable of without really knowing it until we have a proper catalyst — something or someone to bring it to the surface. Dig, dig, dig. No, you might need to dig a little deeper. I have a lot of crap sticking on top of the good stuff.

In order for all of this to work though, you have to let me know you. You have to let me cut you open and trust that I won’t accidentally hit a nerve. You have to accept me for my shortcomings and understand that you’re a better person than I am. I’m a little rotten. Please don’t let that deter you though. Because when I look at you, I see someone who makes sense. I see an anomaly — someone who’s untouched by all of the modern inventions and hang ups. I see someone I want to know.

— For "you" from “I Want To Know You"

Partial reality

It is said to go to your happy place when you are sad. My happy place is a hut by a waterfall, surrounded by brown branches in a green jungle. Brown and green are my favourite colours and water is my favourite compound. I want that thak thak footsteps noise on the wooden floor while I walk around my hut barefoot, and the hut has to have a large window facing the waterfall. and I want to be the only human there, so I can roam around naked, shower in the waterfall, any time of the day, without a worry in the world. My happy place will also have a teleporter, that'd teleport coke and chocolates. I shall also have a pet tiger who'll be a strict vegetarian, and sometimes when I get lonely, he will talk to me. My perfect little happy place. I am going to make this at least a partial reality some day. 

view from the window of my hut

I want to

I want to cry. I want to break glasses. I want to break all the egg shells I'm now out of. I want to scream. I want to speak. I want to plunge myself into water. I want to hug. I want to hug. I want to hug. Without questions, without an aftereffect, I want a hug. 

I dream of..

So many souls with different faces
In one world, but from many places

We are all the same; can’t you see
Regardless of heritage; you and me

Look for the person inside, not out
THAT is what this life is all about

A choice between good or bad to make
Each person decides which road to take

Those decisions create our society today
On a self destructing path; sorry to say

Too much evil lurks in this life
Creating heartache and widespread strife

Prejudice and greed out of control
The results of such, take their toll

The wars and crime a direct result
Our land destroyed only to be rebuilt

We all need to change for the world to endure
Love one another, that is the cure

Reach out a helping hand to others
Strangers, friends, acquaintances, brothers, of sisters

Put aside those petty differences and hate
Find a common ground in which to relate

I dream of a world where peace is the norm
People working together to weather the storm

Here is to the hope that one day it comes true
A land of harmony for me and for you.

-taken

Ek tariqa batao

I amaze myself sometimes. mujhe nehi pata isse kaise nikalte hai, mujhe ye bhi nahi pata ke sach mein isse nikalnahi meri zaroorat hai ke nehi. I am so unaware of what I feel, it amazes me, almost like I feel nothing.