Layers

My armour has gotten too heavy. It has gotten heavy from watching manipulative people use every emotion as an opportunity, from watching them alter the actual reality again and again and again. You can show such a person it's light, but if they benefit from calling it dark they will call it dark, and they will make sure others call it dark as well.

Dear Dhaka

Two more days in a place I know too well, and a place that knows me, before I leave you again. You remind me of a time in my life when my days were happy and hopeful, when I did not get a sinking feeling each morning the second my eyes opened. Peaceful nostalgia does wonders to one's body and mind. I have been sleeping better, dreaming better since I have arrived. You take me to a good place, a place that allows me to live in denial, and not the actual reality I no longer carry the strength to live. Right now, here, on this bed beside my friend, with subtle noise from outside, I can live bits of my fond past, little is enough when you have nothing. You are where my father is buried. You are where I can speak to him for hours with something physical before me, something I can see, something I can touch, unlike everything imaginary in my life, like love, care, peace, comfort, security. I have been going out everyday, walking the streets. I don't do that in Melbourne. There's something sweet, honest and childlike in my peaceful nostalgia that gives me strength. Whereas my innocence has been chewed up and spat in my reality. Melbourne is what's real, the chewed up version of me. Dhaka is what used to be. I'm scared, so scared. I want to hold on to this tiny peace and never let it go. Little is enough when you have nothing.

10/1/2019. Dhaka, Bangladesh.

Why now

It took everything in me not to call you. Everything in me not to run to you. You didn't know how I wished I could run to you, and every time I didn't, I almost did. And now you have ruined everything. Why did you ruin everything? Why couldn't you understand me? Why could you not hold on? You just had to hold on. A little more. I did not have your luxury, I did not have a living parent, in your absence I had a tough life and hardship to shape. Why did you do what was convenient? Why couldn't you hold on? Why did you do this? Why couldn't you hold on?? I did hold on baby, why did you not hold on?

No music

I miss papa I miss mama I miss mama papa together. I miss Christo. All my strings have been twisted and broken, your daughter has no music left in her papa

Me and you and a dog named Boo?

This image is fading my love.. do something.. save it.. only you can.

Q

You are better than treating people the way they treat you.

I just want to go away

I
have become
far
far
far
too talented
at
silent
weeping


-Tyler Knott Gregson

Surgery

I'm going to have a surgery. It will leave scars on my stomach. You couldn't see me before the scars baby. You couldn't see me before the scars. I cried and cried. I feel so tired.

I wish you whispered everything will be alright 

Please help me God...this pain is spreading like a cancer..from heart to physical body..my eyes are so tired but I cant sleep...if I sleep it's the same dream I see that I don't want to see..my hands are shaking..my heart is hurting..it feels sore and out of breath in my body and in my soul..help me God..i tried reaching out God..i wish I could puke out the memories too with the food...but they stay.. and they cripple me God..all my pain that i wasnt allowed to let out has started to cripple me..the years and years and years of lonely unspoken sacrifices have crippled me..robbing me off from the purity of my love has crippled me..abuses hurled that plays on repeat as nightmares every night have crippled me..the pain is pinching god..it's everyday..everyday..on repeat..now it's hurting somewhere here too..i don't know what to do where to go..please help me god..no one else is

A minute at a time..a minute at a time

You can do this Brishti..you can do this...

Missing..

How much can you miss someone.. Is there a scale, a barometer to measure it.. What would suffice as enough.. do you stretch your hands to touch a face that's not there, but you still stretch it, do you close your eyes and imagine, do you wake up from a dream at night and look beside you.. what's the scale.. How do you measure it.. does the scale break when you miss someone beyond all measures.. I do not know what a broken scale looks like. But I know how it feels like. It feels extremely helpless. So helpless that you can't keep count of your pacing heartbeat. So helpless that you sweat from your head to toe, in an all freezing winter. You breathe so fast to gasp any air you can. But nothing in the world takes away the hollowness of that helpless heart. No amount of beautiful sunsets suffice. No amount of beach sand can fill that aching void. Your sunshine is always missing. All you can think about is being wrapped around those arms that felt more like home than any house ever did. If I ever make a house I will make it all white, painted with our white dreams that have turned black. My dreams are still white, surrounded by white snow and us warm in there somewhere. But everyday when I open my eyes, it's a nightmare I wake up to, so far away from you, so far away from my dream. I keep waiting for the day this nightmare will end, and it always ends with us in a white house, with painted white walls, white curtains, and a balcony with white clear sky. In a room filled with sunshine. Where I am curling up to you, and telling each other things we only want to tell each other, where my head is buried in your chest, but our hearts are at the ceiling. I feel so lonely in this crooked world, but I try my best to not let crookedness of others get through my heart. There is so much I don't understand and more so I cannot fathom. I am feeling so tired.. all of my remaining strength lies between your two arms holding me tight.. but I am so far from it. I try so hard to reach it.. missing it needing it every second now.. but it's not there.. and I am sweating with my broken barometer in this cold winter night..

Accept... to stop the tears from showing

This is what it is... accept your limitations.. your foolishness.. your tears.. your sorrow. Accept your life. The way it really is, hidden. With the sleepless nights.. going over and over and over on all the whys and hows. Accept that evening you tripped on the middle of an empty road because you couldn't stop crying. But just before you entered your home you remembered to put the smile and glasses on. Accept the night when someone shouted at the top of their voice because it made them feel good, but you kept quiet and took it all, because the only thing that could make you feel good wasn't by your side. Accept the memories of your father will always stay a memory, his voice on hard disks, hugs never relived. Accept your alarm clock to 12 hours of work after a night of self harming thoughts. Accept your mother's loneliness, and the strength she deserves from you and gives you. Accept the life you knew was all gone. Accept the chaos of the world where bullies are president and people use each other by deceit and manipulation, just like your life. Children are killed as collateral damage just like the child in your heart dies the slow death. People try winning the politics at the expense of truth, just as in life through appearing to be something they are not. Accept, accept, accept. Because that's all you can do. You have nowhere to go, no safe place, you will live amongst these people running this world and claiming its ownership. Accept, because you were never the kind to claim anything, but the kind who always felt the world owes you nothing. Accept because you are not a queen, you have no crown, you are an ordinary girl, with a heart and a mind, that's all.

For you to break that glass

I will be waiting here
For the grey sky to cry
For your suspicions to die
For you to really try

I will be waiting here
For the white snow to melt
For the roses to be smelt
For you to feel what I felt

I will be waiting here
For the moments to pass
For the memories to last
For you to break that glass

I will be waiting here
For the ships to sail on the sea
For the clock to strike three
For you to believe in me

I will be waiting here
For your silence to break
For your soul to shake
For your love to wake

----Rumi...

I loved how you used to walk holding your bag papa.

I love you papa. This world is not for us. I understand you now. I wish I could say you are in a better place now. But that's not true either. Better would have been you travelling the world with mama, better would have been you cooking dinner for your daughter you love so much and sharing the meal. Better would have been you getting to play with Dani, see him grow up. But we both know this was not our world, this was not our only reality. This world was not your world. You wouldn't have been able to handle it papa. And I was too powerless to shield you. I still am. I couldn't even shield myself papa. I love you. And nothing in this world can take away what mama and you showed me together. It's true. I'm not safe papa, but I keep those safe thoughts deep inside my heart. Thank you. I didn't understand you then, but I understand you now. I am a lot like you papa. I finally understand. 

Lovesong

However far away
However long I stay

I will always love you.

so I noticed

my tears dont count.